~Dads Day in Australia~

Normally today we would be heading over to my brothers and sister in laws to share a lovely lunch with them, my mum & dad, my son & his girlfriend and my grandson and my daughter and of course my two nephews.  But my heart just isn't in it this year as it is my first fathers day without my dad.  Instead we are having a quiet dinner here for my daughter, son and his family.  Everyday I miss him and everyday I think of him.  But today I just want to wish Happy Fathers Day to my hubby, my son and all the dads out there.
                                                         

 HAPPY FATHERS DAY XX

~Shabby Share~

Just thought I would share a few things from around my home today... <3

My parents cards from their wedding over 60 years ago

Pretty cloche with soap cake in my china cabinet

 'Mother' Carriage Clock

Lovely silk blooms

~Never Give Up~

As promised....last time I wrote I had just got my adoption papers and had spoken to an Aunt.  Well this wonderful aunt relayed my message onto my birth mum who denied black and blue to ever having me and that I was mistaken and not her child.  The aunt then said that she had no reason to not to believe her sister and I must have got the information wrong and she was sorry.  Emotion overload.......Could I have got it wrong?   Was the information wrong?   Now it would seem I belonged to no one...I didnt exist.  I went over the document again and knew I had to be right...it was all there....so I rang the aunt again and told her that her sister was trying to hide or mislead and that I had proof, to which she asked me to send it to her.  Luckily for me this aunt was internet friendly so I scanned all the relevant documents and emailed them to her.  Two hours later she rang me back and after speaking with her sister (my birth mum) she agreed I was correct and that her sister had thought no one would ever know of, or about me.   My birth mum was very angry at my coming forward and that she would not be informing my siblings (of which I had 5!!) of my existance.
~The Siblings~
I have 5 half siblings and here comes a bit of a laugh....I have 2 sisters called Michelle, another Tammy and 2 brothers David & Peter.  A brief explanation on the Michelle's.  My older sister is the first Michelle (who was  also adopted), then when I was adopted my parents decided to call me Michelle (pure coincidence) and later because she (birth mum) loved the name Michelle and she no longer had custody of the first born she decided to call another of her babies Michelle as well....hence the 3 Michelles.
I am over the moon at having so many siblings but unfortunately as far as I knew, none wanted to have anything to do with me.  I was feeling quite angry at this point as I was the innocent...I didnt ask to be born so why was I being punished by my brothers and sisters for my BM getting pregnant and having me.  My quest for answers just wasnt going as well as expected.
~Research~
I decided to play detective (gotta love Google) and started doing extensive searches on archives looking for any information about my birth family.  I found quite alot of information and then paid for other legal documents with relevant information.  With all the information in hand I then thought to do a family tree hoping that it would help me get my head around the family dynamics.  It was while doing this tree that I came across another tree with the same paternal grandfather mentioned and here is when I decided to risk it by emailing the author of the other tree in a hope they could provide some answers.   Your not going to believe who answered my query????   It was my older sister Michelle.  I was scared and excited all at once.  What I didnt know was that while I was emailing my aunt...her son (my cousin) had been forwarding all my info to my sister Michelle so she already knew of my existance.  I wasnt ready to talk to her on the phone but we did exchange alot of emails and to say she has been wonderful is an understatement.  We have now spoken several times but have yet to meet as we live in different states and neither of us has the money to change that outcome anytime soon...but thats ok....I have found her and she has accepted me without question.  'I have a sister!!!!'
~The Not So Good News~
Here is the bit I didnt want to know....but once known it cannot be unknown...believe me I have tried.  The family carries the BRCA2 gene.  I had never heard of this gene and again I started researching and I did not like what I found.  BRCA stands for the Breast cancer and the 2 stands for ovarian cancer.  This sent me into a tailspin of depression.....here I was thinking I had escaped the lymphonic gene pool (what my poor dad died off) only to land in a worse  cancer pool.  I still havent had the test but I know I cannot put it off forever...if not for my sake but I need to for my daughter.  The chances of me having it are 50/50 so until I have the test I will leave it at that.
~Lying Takes it Toll~
All through this I have not let on to my mum that I know I am adopted.  I am angry she has not told me the truth...after all I will be 50 this year and I think it is something she should have told me when my brother was told.  Yes he was told but I wasn't.....not very fair in my book.  I have given her many many opportunities to tell me....things that are genetic and talking about my friends who are adopted and have know all their lives but she wont budge.  I am not nor have I ever been a liar ( oh sure I can do the little fibs that harm no one) but all this hiding what I know and covering up when I slip up had taken its toll and I decided I cant do it any more so I asked an uncle if he knew I was adopted?  I expected him to say yes but what I didnt know was that everyone and I mean everyone including all my cousins, and their kids and even my brothers kids knew...all except me!  In all these years no one ever said anything...not one word....and the reason why...they all thought I knew.  Well it was all I needed to reaffirm my decision to tell my mum, but through my uncle to soften the blow a little.
~The Truth Is Out There~
My uncle has now told her that I know and we have spoken on the phone about it but she is angry that someone told me.  She apparently wanted to take the secret to her grave as well.  I was never to find out according to her and she nags me for information on the person who told me.  I have reinforced it makes no difference to me that I am adopted and that it doesnt change that she is my mum and my dad was my dad.  But I have told her I am angry for not telling me and that I have missed out on a lifetime of getting to know at least one of my sisters.
Thats my life for the moment....and I guess all I want to add is...if you have adopted children.....tell them...they have a right to know, if for no other reason than medical.  Dont let them find out like I did at my dads funeral by a total stranger whom had assummed I knew.  And if you know your adopted ...there is nothing wrong with finding out who you are...don't let others make you feel guilty like you are betraying them...your not.  We all need to know who we are...where we belong....where we started....

~Watch This Space~

I have been so neglectful when it comes to this blog....time just runs away...I have had a mole cut out of my foot two days ago and it has now kept me pretty immobile due to pain so hopefully in the next day or so I can update with what has been happening in my world.  Watch his space :)

~A Family by Another Name~

    Its here...Its here!!!  My file arrived this morning.  With shaky hands I read each and every detail and although there where many pages with lots of information there was not very much information about my birth mum. There is more information about her sister (my aunt?) and a phone number for said aunt.  After deliberating for what felt like hours I decided to take the plunge and ring her.  With my heart in my throat and nerves on edge I dial the number and it is answered by a kindly woman's voice.  My planned speech goes out the window, and after asking if she is indeed the sister to my birth mother and another  hurried mess of words I blurt out who I am.  It seems no one knew I even existed.  In fact she thought I was  another daughter of my birth mother that she already knew.  It would seem my birth mother now has 3 daughters all bearing the same first name.
  This aunt was so patient with my questions and so friendly and she told me so much information that in my state I forgot most of it but she has left the door open for me to contact  her and ask any questions I need.  She was going to contact my birth mother but I hold no expectations, nor do I want to intrude on maybe a time in my birth mothers  life she would rather forget.   The last thing I want to do is upset anyone or their lives with me popping up out of the wood work.  If I can have my many questions answered by this aunt, then I will be happy with that, after all it is more than I expected.    The one thing I do remember from this conversation with her is I have in fact 3 sisters and 2 brothers, all half siblings I think. 
   I am going to give myself time to digest what I have learned and give this aunt and my birth mother time to come to terms with that I have found them.  That in its self would have to be a huge shock for them both.....I know it is for me.
  My mum knows nothing of this and I wont be sharing it with her.  She doesnt even know that I know I am adopted and she is just too frail to deal with it.  I am angry that she and dad never told me and I have learned that it was his wish I never be told and it was his secret which he took to his grave with him.  But like all secrets they have a habit of coming out in the end.  I have hinted and given her many opportunities to tell me but she remains tight lipped so I will leave it that.  My brother has known we are adopted since he was 15 and I think that is where my anger lies in that he was told and I was not.  Maybe if I had been told back then, this would have been easier to deal with.  But finding out when I am 49 has been a huge shock.  My mum & dad will always be the ones who raised me...that will never change, but now I know the truth its like the penny dropping into place.
  I plan on spending the next few days working out my questions, then perhaps this time I will write the aunt so as to give her time to respond rather then me putting her on the spot like last time by phoning.
  If you are reading this and you have adopted children of your own....tell them the truth when they are young, don't leave it too long and don't put it off to another day, because when they find out...and they will...it would be so much better to hear from your own lips than those of a stranger.

~For Whom The Bell Rings~

   I received a phone call today regarding some news on my adoption....I must admit it took me by surprise and a flood of emotions came gushing out.  Even though when I started this journey I knew it was about me, about who I am, and about who I was born and yet it was also dream like in that I had also detached myself from it as well.  Well todays phone call made it a reality.  Somewhere out there, and I am not sure at this point whether she is still alive, is my birth mum, and  I apparently have a sister that is known of, and its this news that probably excites me more.  While some information has been found, there is till alot of research to be done and probably a lot of tears as well.
    I know my birth mums name and that she was a dutch immigrant to Australia in the 1950's.  My file should be arriving before the end of the week and although according to the social worker it contains alot of information it also contains nothing in that it is mostly irrelevant to what I need to locate my birth mum.. I know I could very well be opening a can of worms but also feel if I don't I may regret it for the rest of my life. 

~To Market, To Market~

     I got up early this morning so I could hit our local market.  Its not very big with probably only about 15 - 20 stall depending on the weather and its pretty much the same ones each week so there is not alot of change.    I was on a mission today to pick up  my birdbath from a local maker who attends the market most weeks.

    Found my statue lady straight away and paid her  so I wouldn't be tempted to spend the money and then did the regulation two laps.....cause you never know what you might miss on the first lap.  It was a wrought iron day today.  First find was a wrought iron stand with 3 graduating baskets...next was a wrought iron hanging candle holder for $1 but I had to give it a serious clean as it came with bugs at that price..ewww, then a wrought iron stand of some sort...looks to be old...victorian maybe with its delightful twists in the sides....but I am going to use it as a plant stand and last was a very heavy metal urn complete with rust.  I love rusty items.  So I had a great day and all I spent was $59.