Thursday, August 29, 2013

~Never Give Up~



As promised....last time I wrote I had just got my adoption papers and had spoken to an Aunt.  Well this wonderful aunt relayed my message onto my birth mum who denied black and blue to ever having me and that I was mistaken and not her child.  The aunt then said that she had no reason to not to believe her sister and I must have got the information wrong and she was sorry.  Emotion overload.......Could I have got it wrong?   Was the information wrong?   Now it would seem I belonged to no one...I didnt exist.  I went over the document again and knew I had to be right...it was all there....so I rang the aunt again and told her that her sister was trying to hide or mislead and that I had proof, to which she asked me to send it to her.  Luckily for me this aunt was internet friendly so I scanned all the relevant documents and emailed them to her.  Two hours later she rang me back and after speaking with her sister (my birth mum) she agreed I was correct and that her sister had thought no one would ever know of, or about me.   My birth mum was very angry at my coming forward and that she would not be informing my siblings (of which I had 5!!) of my existance.
~The Siblings~
I have 5 half siblings and here comes a bit of a laugh....I have 2 sisters called Michelle, another Tammy and 2 brothers David & Peter.  A brief explanation on the Michelle's.  My older sister is the first Michelle (who was  also adopted), then when I was adopted my parents decided to call me Michelle (pure coincidence) and later because she (birth mum) loved the name Michelle and she no longer had custody of the first born she decided to call another of her babies Michelle as well....hence the 3 Michelles.
I am over the moon at having so many siblings but unfortunately as far as I knew, none wanted to have anything to do with me.  I was feeling quite angry at this point as I was the innocent...I didnt ask to be born so why was I being punished by my brothers and sisters for my BM getting pregnant and having me.  My quest for answers just wasnt going as well as expected.
~Research~
I decided to play detective (gotta love Google) and started doing extensive searches on archives looking for any information about my birth family.  I found quite alot of information and then paid for other legal documents with relevant information.  With all the information in hand I then thought to do a family tree hoping that it would help me get my head around the family dynamics.  It was while doing this tree that I came across another tree with the same paternal grandfather mentioned and here is when I decided to risk it by emailing the author of the other tree in a hope they could provide some answers.   Your not going to believe who answered my query????   It was my older sister Michelle.  I was scared and excited all at once.  What I didnt know was that while I was emailing my aunt...her son (my cousin) had been forwarding all my info to my sister Michelle so she already knew of my existance.  I wasnt ready to talk to her on the phone but we did exchange alot of emails and to say she has been wonderful is an understatement.  We have now spoken several times but have yet to meet as we live in different states and neither of us has the money to change that outcome anytime soon...but thats ok....I have found her and she has accepted me without question.  'I have a sister!!!!'
~The Not So Good News~
Here is the bit I didnt want to know....but once known it cannot be unknown...believe me I have tried.  The family carries the BRCA2 gene.  I had never heard of this gene and again I started researching and I did not like what I found.  BRCA stands for the Breast cancer and the 2 stands for ovarian cancer.  This sent me into a tailspin of depression.....here I was thinking I had escaped the lymphonic gene pool (what my poor dad died off) only to land in a worse  cancer pool.  I still havent had the test but I know I cannot put it off forever...if not for my sake but I need to for my daughter.  The chances of me having it are 50/50 so until I have the test I will leave it at that.
~Lying Takes it Toll~
All through this I have not let on to my mum that I know I am adopted.  I am angry she has not told me the truth...after all I will be 50 this year and I think it is something she should have told me when my brother was told.  Yes he was told but I wasn't.....not very fair in my book.  I have given her many many opportunities to tell me....things that are genetic and talking about my friends who are adopted and have know all their lives but she wont budge.  I am not nor have I ever been a liar ( oh sure I can do the little fibs that harm no one) but all this hiding what I know and covering up when I slip up had taken its toll and I decided I cant do it any more so I asked an uncle if he knew I was adopted?  I expected him to say yes but what I didnt know was that everyone and I mean everyone including all my cousins, and their kids and even my brothers kids knew...all except me!  In all these years no one ever said anything...not one word....and the reason why...they all thought I knew.  Well it was all I needed to reaffirm my decision to tell my mum, but through my uncle to soften the blow a little.
~The Truth Is Out There~
My uncle has now told her that I know and we have spoken on the phone about it but she is angry that someone told me.  She apparently wanted to take the secret to her grave as well.  I was never to find out according to her and she nags me for information on the person who told me.  I have reinforced it makes no difference to me that I am adopted and that it doesnt change that she is my mum and my dad was my dad.  But I have told her I am angry for not telling me and that I have missed out on a lifetime of getting to know at least one of my sisters.
Thats my life for the moment....and I guess all I want to add is...if you have adopted children.....tell them...they have a right to know, if for no other reason than medical.  Dont let them find out like I did at my dads funeral by a total stranger whom had assummed I knew.  And if you know your adopted ...there is nothing wrong with finding out who you are...don't let others make you feel guilty like you are betraying them...your not.  We all need to know who we are...where we belong....where we started....



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