~Reflections of Life~

           I have had a very slack year where this blog is concerned but a very busy one with RL.   I have stopped posting to my fb page Shabby Prim Delights, as I no longer have the time to spend searching Pinterest for pictures and while I am no longer active on it I have left it up for others to use the images for inspiration.

          Well, firstly the reason for no time anymore....is...drum roll..... I now finally have a job.  After 4 years of looking and applying and the hundreds of rejections and the hundreds of more 'no replies' I am now working as an aged carer for a wonderful company who care as much for their staff as they do their clients.  I get up looking forward to my work day where my jobs are varied as are my wonderful clients.  I can be doing anything from Walking/washing a beloved pet, to a few hours shopping, a quiet chat, and coffee, some light housework or a drive to the park.  The stories of the past are varied and delightful.  Growing old is not easy, nor is it one any of us looks forward to...me included, but I hope that myself and others like me help make it a little easier, and a little happier.

        My relationship with my birth family continues to grow and move forward.  With each visit, I learn a little more of them, and them me.  It's very comfortable each visit, with no awkwardness and its like I have known them a lifetime and not the few short years.  I visited the beginning of  December and will be returning in January for my sister Michelle's (M3) 50th Birthday.  On a sadder note, one of my other sisters has been diagnosed with breast cancer and has begun her battle with the dreaded disease.  She is way braver than I could ever hope to be and has always a positive thought.  I have no doubt she will win this battle purely on determination and sarcasm.  My only wish is that I could be by her side every step of the way, but as that is not possible I instead keep her in my thoughts and my heart.

            This will hve to do for now other than to wish you all a Happy and Wonderful  New Year from my family to yours.

~Family by Another Name is Still Family~

~Melbourne.....the home of my birth family.....a family until 4 years ago I never knew existed.  This was only the third time I had spent time with all of them since the very first  visit 3 years ago.......only this trip was so different from the first because my birth mother and I were to meet.  I arrived on a Tuesday and Wednesday was to be the meeting day.  Stress over the meet weighed heavy on my heart and my nerves were shot.  I stayed with my oldest brother and his beautiful family only my brother thought it funny to countdown until the meeting.......this added to my already strung out nerves.  I was to arrive with my sister in law and my brothers followed.  We had to stop at some traffic lights and for a fleeting second I Contemplated jumping out the car to avoid the impending meeting.....fortunately I thought of the fright to my SIL and decided against.  A few minutes later we arrived at my sisters where I was to meet my birth mum.  I got out the car only to freeze....tears streaming down my face, I was unable to move.  By this point my brothers had arrived and somehow through either gentle coaxing or just pulling me along ( of which I cannot remember) I entered my sisters and through the darkness (as the blinds had been pulled against the heat of the day)....I vaguely made out the shape of my birth mum through my tears, and gravitated ( or was pushed) towards her.....tears streaming down my face.  After that everything is a blurr......the floodgates had been opened and every emotion, feelings of rejection and everything I had thought I knew to be true then discovered it wasn't came pouring out.  In what felt like an hour but was in reality only a few moments I pulled away trying desperately to get control of my emotions.....to reel them back in.  I escaped to the bathroom to splash my face with cool water and recollect my thoughts.    I knew I couldn't hide in here forever so I headed outside where I sat quietly sipping on the wine my sister had poured.  My thoughts were all over the place matching my emotions in their erratic patterns of logic and illogic.  I numbly remember my birth mother coming outside and chatting quite normally with the others and I remember thinking .....how can she be so calm.....my insides where churning, my nerves frazzled....it was all I could do to sit there and not run out the door.  Instead I got up and calmly walked and then sat on the pool edge distracting myself, watching the kids splash happily, whom were oblivious to the trauma I was going through.  How I got through the rest of the day was beyond me....but I had done it......I had survived the emotional turmoil that was meeting my birth mum and had come out the other side.

   Sleep evaded me....so many questions ran through my head...all of which would remain unanswered as there was little chance of there ever being a one on one with her.....that was made pretty clear to me.  

The day's rolled by and there would be two more visits by my birth mum...each one ending with her regulation offering of her cheek farewell.  Her demeaner was one of calm acceptance....like everything was normal.....but not for me.  My stomach flipped and churned.....how calmly she had forgotten all the cruel words she had messaged previously to this visit....I couldn't forget,  I couldn't forgive not without compromising my own self worth.  Instead I offered respect.....not that it had been earned but more from the manners I prided myself on.  

My visit of 8 days was coming to an end and as much as I loathed to leave my siblings it was time to go home and collect my thoughts.  

I have been blessed with 5 amazing siblings who have not only accepted me but shown me more love in 3 short visits than I have ever had in a lifetime......and for that I am eternally grateful.  I don't know what the future holds with my birth mum or if there even is a future...only time will tell.  I won't close my heart but I will guard it carefully.    

~Melbourne~

~I have just returned from 6 wonderful days spent in Melbourne getting to know my birth family. It is a scary and somewhat overwhelming experience travelling to another state to pretty much stay with strangers and hope that you click....but def worth the risk...if it didnt work then I would have returned home , put it down to experience, and had no regrets.
     The trip was one I will remember for a lifetime.......I am very, very lucky to have the most amazing bunch of people to call my brothers and sisters.  They showed me more love in those 6 days than I have ever had in a lifetime.    I stayed with one of my brothers and his beautiful family, and my sister in law is one in a million.  She instantly made me feel at home and part of the family.   I even got to meet extended family at a birthday party and was treated to some wonderful entertaining family stories.
     All my life I never felt like I belonged anywhere....I always felt out of sync with everyone around me....never making friends easily...always the loner...always alone.  But spending those 6 days changed everything.......I finally FIT somewhere....and that is the best feeling in the whole world.  No words can describe the happinest I feel inside... a sense of belonging.....a sense of family.
     Leaving them to fly home, was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life.  I never wanted it to end.
     Luckily with all the technology available to us these days ...keeping in touch will never be a problem....and while its not the same as a face to face ...it is def better than nothing~

~Birth Family Meet~

     February this year I travelled to Melbourne to meet all my birth siblings together for the very first time since finding out I was adopted 2 years ago.  Now before I go any further I need to explain...there are 3 of us called Michelle.  I know...weird huh?

Ok the first born (my older sister) was named Michelle after a dear friend of my birth mothers' who apparently had died. This sister was given into the care of the grandfather (birth mothers dad) to raise. I was born next but given up for adoption upon birth and therefore not named.....I was given my name by my adopted parents (pure coincidence).  Next came my brother Peter, my next sister called Michelle (Given the name again for the memory of the lost friend) and then the last two siblings Tammy and David.  Hence the 3 Michelle's...we call ourselves M1, M2 & M3 so we don't get confused.

Now our meeting......I had preveiously met my oldest sister Michelle and my baby brother David when I went to Melbourne last year so I had already formed a bond with them and felt comfortable around them so they were the ones who picked me up and took me to my sister Tammy's house where we were all meeting.  I was very nervous to say the least...but I needn't have worried.  They were so wonderful and so accepting.  It was the best day of my life!

To finally meet blood family is like nothing I can describe.  Its seeing people with similarities,  its finding you have similar tastes and likes and dislikes....the things I knew were missing from my life but could never put my finger on quite what they were.  No matter what anyone says...blood is blood.   My only regret is I never found out I was adopted earlier...I feel like I have missed out on so much with them.....and its not easy also living in a different state from them all.  I miss them all terribly and look forward to going back to spend more time with each of them.

Tammy, me, David, Michelle (M1) & Peter

David & Peter

Michelle (M1) me & David

Tammy, me & Michelle (M3)

Tammy, David & Peter

♥♥All of us ♥♥

~33 Days~

         ~Whats happening in 33 days.......life changing events.  In 33 days I will be hopping on a plane (scary) and flying to Melbourne with hubby and friends...where I will be meeting all my birth siblings (5)..........3 of them for the very first time and 2 of them for the second time.  I will be spending the day with them, hoping to get to know them a little and them me.  I have so many questions to ask but more than likely I will forget them all.  How does one put a lifetime of getting to know someone into one afternoon.   It is a start and one I am looking forward to in a scary kind of way~
           ~The second part of this trip is we a doing a mini cruise with 10 friends from Melbourne back to Adelaide to see if we can all cope,  so that in the future we can perhaps do bigger more exciting ones.  Me and water just dont go together...I cannot swim and I am terrified of anything water related thats deeper than waist height.  Then there is the whole sea sickness thing.......I dont do getting ill at all.....worse patient ever.  So while these two things are big negatives in my life (Water and sea sickness) I am def going to try to overcome them.  I cant do much about the water thingy but an appointment with the docs before we go is on the cards~
        ~If anyone has some tried true methods of avoiding sea sickness I would love to hear them~

~HAPPY NEW YEAR~

~Its New Years Eve in Oz....and I sit here refelecting on the year that has gone.

           This year I have spent time learning more about my birth family and talking with another of my sisters Tammy......and while all of this is still a bit like a dream,  I am actually starting to feel more connected with them.  I lost an aunt I had never met,....she was the first person I ever spoke to from my birth family and I will never forget her kindness and compassion towards me at one of the scariest points of my life.  RIP sweet Aunt Rosa ♥

          I had to put my mum in a nursing home this year as she just wasn't coping at home any more.  Its not easy to pack up someones life and downsize it to not much more than a few boxes and a couple of suitcases.  There was alot of memories to deal with and we had to pack up the last of my dads things and give them to charity (that was possibly the hardest thing), and while another chapter in my mums life is over she is now living in a beautiful nursing home that is like a 4 star hotel, with lots of lovely caring people around her and a social calender like she has never had before.   All of that has taken alot of pressure off of myself and my brother, so we are breathing a little easier.

          Its been a tough year with my furbabies having to say good bye to two of them.  First Charlie girl lost her battle with cancer....and then dear little Molly succumbed to the pain of brittle joints and old age. 

          One of the best highs this yeas is I got to watch my son marry his childhood sweetheart and also finding out I am to be a nanny again.  

  Well next year promises to be full of highs and lows again I am sure, and every day I am thankful for those around me, and that I can get out of bed and greet each day with a smile.

      I dont do New Years Resolutions because I think life is tough enough without adding to it....instead I just try to be a better version of myself.

      So from my family to yours......I hope you have a

(¯`v´¯)

.`·.¸.·´

¸.·´.·´¨) ¸.·¨)☆☆

(¸.·´(¸.·´ (¸.·¨¯`☆

...Happy New Year....♥.

~Family~

.......I am back from Melbourne and I have finally met my sister and my brother.  

We decided to meet in a pub for lunch and as always I was early.  The waitress led me to a table with 10 seats.  If I wasn't nervous before I was now.   I very nearly got up and left but at that precise moment my sister Michelle (no 1) arrived with her partner.....and it was good.  I think because we had talked lots on the phone I knew what to expect kind of .  Chatting was easy and we did a lot of note comparing trying to figure out where I fit into the family dynamics.   Janelle (Michelle's daughter) was the next to arrive so we enjoyed lunch while chatting.  Michelle (no 1) informed me my brother David was coming but would be late due to work commitments.  While excited to meet him I was also very nervous as I had not spoken to him at all......but I nothing to worry about....he is adorable.  He is my baby brother and I couldn't have asked for a more sweeter,  accepting  person than him.  He bought with him his 12 year old son, Jack who is also a delight.  

I spent nearly 4 hours with them and it was a wonderful day.  I left feeling loved and on cloud nine that these gorgeous people are my siblings.  I still have another 3 siblings (Michelle no 3, Tammy and Peter)I hope to meet, but if I don't its ok.  My journey was never about upsetting or hurting anyone so I am very grateful for the love and acceptance Michelle (no 1) and David have shown me....and I think I am more than lucky because I have 3 families who love me.....my adopted family, my family and my birth family.

This is my brother David,  me (in the middle) and my sister Michelle.

~In loving Memory~

Only 2 more sleeps until I fly to Melbourne although it might be for naught.  I found out today that dear Aunt Rosa passed away today.  This amazing lady was my very first contact with my birth family.  She was chuffed to find out she had another niece and accepted me with out any fuss and announced quite happily that she was in deed my aunt.  I never got to meet this beautiful lady and I don't even know what she looks like.  I spoke to her several times on the phone and had numerous lovely emails with her (She was in her 80's and emailing....love it) and even though she had plenty of health issues of her own and her husband Dean she always asked after my health, and my hubbies.  I am devastated I never got to meet her.  

My thoughts are with her family at this time of sadness.  

Beautiful Roses for a beautiful aunt.

RIP Rosa

~4 days and Counting~

Only 4 more sleeps until I fly to Melbourne and meet my sister and brother for the first time ever.  The butterflies have started.  Up until this point the 'I'm Adopted" ...has not felt real real if you get what I mean.  On paper it has been real and in my head its real but now its going to be real in my heart.  I am going to meet those to whom I am blood related.....people whom I missed knowing through my childhood, through my teenage years, through everything up until now...all the things that one shares with a sister kinda moments.  Don't get me wrong I love the family that raised me and I will be a part of their lives and they will always be my family forever.  But I felt all my life something was missing...and now I know why.  How do I fit a life time of missing out into a few days.  

~Life Skills~

         All my life I have loved to make things, do things, change things and while the handy man skills come from my dear dad (I was always with him and my brother was always with my mum) who taught me everything about maintaining a house from gutter cleaning, painting, repairing holes, drilling, concreting, gardening , sawing and repairing ....I have this whole other skill set that I developed on my own from when I was a young child who tried to make clothes for her dolls and sew little accessories for them which more often or not involved sticking pins into the dolls to hold them.....that had no begining.  My mum while she was an expert at darning a sock was pretty hopless at any other sort of sewing and never encouraged me in at at all.  All my life I have sewed...teaching myself from books (before the internet) or by pulling things to pieces and looking at how they were made.  Well I now know my birth mum was a streamstress.  This makes me wonder are skills gentetically encoded.  What lead me to enjoy sewing and creating.  Its a puzzling thing.  The other thing is while my mum couldnt sew she was a beautiful knitter (before she got Macula degeneration)  the jumpers she made us kids growing up were works of art.  I was always amazed at how fast she could knit (while watching Days of Our Lives) without ever looking at what she was doing.  Me....I cant knit for peanuts....not from lack of trying.....I would always end up dropping stitches or purling when I was supposed to knit...so I gave that up and taught myself to crochet.  That however never extended beyond the humble square or rows.  I never learned to read patterns and I still need to check you tube when I want to use a different stitch.   As therapy goes,  in winter I love it and often make a blanket or two every year.  

So let me ask you this.....do you have skills in common with your parents?  

Oh and ...

..its only 21 days until I meet my birth sister and brother for the first time.

Have a great weekend.

.•*¨`*•.•*¨`*•.•*¨`*•.•*¨`*•.•*¨`*•.•*¨`*•

How cute is this.......I just have to find someone to crochet it for me.

~Adoption Update~

Well I finally spoke to my mum in person today about the adoption and she is still more concerned with who told me rather than answer my questions.  It was hers and my dads belief that I never ever find out until after they were gone.  Why I dont know....as far as I am concerned they are my parents...they are the ones who raised fed me and clothed me.  Sure I am angry and annoyed that they didnt respect me enough to tell me the truth on reaching adulthood.  I have said my piece and will no longer bring it up with her, but neither will I let anyone tell me my that although I never grew up with my sister ...that she isn't my sister...this is one case where blood is thicker than water and I want to cherish every bit of contact with her.  It wont make up for the unknown years but feels good in my heart knowing she is out there.  It would seem I will never have contact with the other siblings although another has joined fb recently and we have exchanged messages, but I think that will be the limit of that.  .
 This journey was never about upsetting anyone...it was a quest of answers, of finding my beginnings and my heritage....of which I forgot to tell you...I am of Dutch blood.  Not sure what that means to me yet as I little to nothing of anything Dutch.  Well that covers my birth mums nationality but as I can find no answers, or should I say no straight answers about my paternal father.  One minute he is Australian and the next he is American.  That I assume will always remain a mystery my birth mum will take to her grave.
This is the last of this chapter until such time as I meet my sister in person.....and that may take a while as finances and health are two issues in the way of that happening any time soon.
Family is important whether blood or not but secrets left untold can fester and the truth always comes out in the end....no matter what.

~Never Give Up~

As promised....last time I wrote I had just got my adoption papers and had spoken to an Aunt.  Well this wonderful aunt relayed my message onto my birth mum who denied black and blue to ever having me and that I was mistaken and not her child.  The aunt then said that she had no reason to not to believe her sister and I must have got the information wrong and she was sorry.  Emotion overload.......Could I have got it wrong?   Was the information wrong?   Now it would seem I belonged to no one...I didnt exist.  I went over the document again and knew I had to be right...it was all there....so I rang the aunt again and told her that her sister was trying to hide or mislead and that I had proof, to which she asked me to send it to her.  Luckily for me this aunt was internet friendly so I scanned all the relevant documents and emailed them to her.  Two hours later she rang me back and after speaking with her sister (my birth mum) she agreed I was correct and that her sister had thought no one would ever know of, or about me.   My birth mum was very angry at my coming forward and that she would not be informing my siblings (of which I had 5!!) of my existance.
~The Siblings~
I have 5 half siblings and here comes a bit of a laugh....I have 2 sisters called Michelle, another Tammy and 2 brothers David & Peter.  A brief explanation on the Michelle's.  My older sister is the first Michelle (who was  also adopted), then when I was adopted my parents decided to call me Michelle (pure coincidence) and later because she (birth mum) loved the name Michelle and she no longer had custody of the first born she decided to call another of her babies Michelle as well....hence the 3 Michelles.
I am over the moon at having so many siblings but unfortunately as far as I knew, none wanted to have anything to do with me.  I was feeling quite angry at this point as I was the innocent...I didnt ask to be born so why was I being punished by my brothers and sisters for my BM getting pregnant and having me.  My quest for answers just wasnt going as well as expected.
~Research~
I decided to play detective (gotta love Google) and started doing extensive searches on archives looking for any information about my birth family.  I found quite alot of information and then paid for other legal documents with relevant information.  With all the information in hand I then thought to do a family tree hoping that it would help me get my head around the family dynamics.  It was while doing this tree that I came across another tree with the same paternal grandfather mentioned and here is when I decided to risk it by emailing the author of the other tree in a hope they could provide some answers.   Your not going to believe who answered my query????   It was my older sister Michelle.  I was scared and excited all at once.  What I didnt know was that while I was emailing my aunt...her son (my cousin) had been forwarding all my info to my sister Michelle so she already knew of my existance.  I wasnt ready to talk to her on the phone but we did exchange alot of emails and to say she has been wonderful is an understatement.  We have now spoken several times but have yet to meet as we live in different states and neither of us has the money to change that outcome anytime soon...but thats ok....I have found her and she has accepted me without question.  'I have a sister!!!!'
~The Not So Good News~
Here is the bit I didnt want to know....but once known it cannot be unknown...believe me I have tried.  The family carries the BRCA2 gene.  I had never heard of this gene and again I started researching and I did not like what I found.  BRCA stands for the Breast cancer and the 2 stands for ovarian cancer.  This sent me into a tailspin of depression.....here I was thinking I had escaped the lymphonic gene pool (what my poor dad died off) only to land in a worse  cancer pool.  I still havent had the test but I know I cannot put it off forever...if not for my sake but I need to for my daughter.  The chances of me having it are 50/50 so until I have the test I will leave it at that.
~Lying Takes it Toll~
All through this I have not let on to my mum that I know I am adopted.  I am angry she has not told me the truth...after all I will be 50 this year and I think it is something she should have told me when my brother was told.  Yes he was told but I wasn't.....not very fair in my book.  I have given her many many opportunities to tell me....things that are genetic and talking about my friends who are adopted and have know all their lives but she wont budge.  I am not nor have I ever been a liar ( oh sure I can do the little fibs that harm no one) but all this hiding what I know and covering up when I slip up had taken its toll and I decided I cant do it any more so I asked an uncle if he knew I was adopted?  I expected him to say yes but what I didnt know was that everyone and I mean everyone including all my cousins, and their kids and even my brothers kids knew...all except me!  In all these years no one ever said anything...not one word....and the reason why...they all thought I knew.  Well it was all I needed to reaffirm my decision to tell my mum, but through my uncle to soften the blow a little.
~The Truth Is Out There~
My uncle has now told her that I know and we have spoken on the phone about it but she is angry that someone told me.  She apparently wanted to take the secret to her grave as well.  I was never to find out according to her and she nags me for information on the person who told me.  I have reinforced it makes no difference to me that I am adopted and that it doesnt change that she is my mum and my dad was my dad.  But I have told her I am angry for not telling me and that I have missed out on a lifetime of getting to know at least one of my sisters.
Thats my life for the moment....and I guess all I want to add is...if you have adopted children.....tell them...they have a right to know, if for no other reason than medical.  Dont let them find out like I did at my dads funeral by a total stranger whom had assummed I knew.  And if you know your adopted ...there is nothing wrong with finding out who you are...don't let others make you feel guilty like you are betraying them...your not.  We all need to know who we are...where we belong....where we started....

~A Family by Another Name~

    Its here...Its here!!!  My file arrived this morning.  With shaky hands I read each and every detail and although there where many pages with lots of information there was not very much information about my birth mum. There is more information about her sister (my aunt?) and a phone number for said aunt.  After deliberating for what felt like hours I decided to take the plunge and ring her.  With my heart in my throat and nerves on edge I dial the number and it is answered by a kindly woman's voice.  My planned speech goes out the window, and after asking if she is indeed the sister to my birth mother and another  hurried mess of words I blurt out who I am.  It seems no one knew I even existed.  In fact she thought I was  another daughter of my birth mother that she already knew.  It would seem my birth mother now has 3 daughters all bearing the same first name.
  This aunt was so patient with my questions and so friendly and she told me so much information that in my state I forgot most of it but she has left the door open for me to contact  her and ask any questions I need.  She was going to contact my birth mother but I hold no expectations, nor do I want to intrude on maybe a time in my birth mothers  life she would rather forget.   The last thing I want to do is upset anyone or their lives with me popping up out of the wood work.  If I can have my many questions answered by this aunt, then I will be happy with that, after all it is more than I expected.    The one thing I do remember from this conversation with her is I have in fact 3 sisters and 2 brothers, all half siblings I think. 
   I am going to give myself time to digest what I have learned and give this aunt and my birth mother time to come to terms with that I have found them.  That in its self would have to be a huge shock for them both.....I know it is for me.
  My mum knows nothing of this and I wont be sharing it with her.  She doesnt even know that I know I am adopted and she is just too frail to deal with it.  I am angry that she and dad never told me and I have learned that it was his wish I never be told and it was his secret which he took to his grave with him.  But like all secrets they have a habit of coming out in the end.  I have hinted and given her many opportunities to tell me but she remains tight lipped so I will leave it that.  My brother has known we are adopted since he was 15 and I think that is where my anger lies in that he was told and I was not.  Maybe if I had been told back then, this would have been easier to deal with.  But finding out when I am 49 has been a huge shock.  My mum & dad will always be the ones who raised me...that will never change, but now I know the truth its like the penny dropping into place.
  I plan on spending the next few days working out my questions, then perhaps this time I will write the aunt so as to give her time to respond rather then me putting her on the spot like last time by phoning.
  If you are reading this and you have adopted children of your own....tell them the truth when they are young, don't leave it too long and don't put it off to another day, because when they find out...and they will...it would be so much better to hear from your own lips than those of a stranger.

~For Whom The Bell Rings~

   I received a phone call today regarding some news on my adoption....I must admit it took me by surprise and a flood of emotions came gushing out.  Even though when I started this journey I knew it was about me, about who I am, and about who I was born and yet it was also dream like in that I had also detached myself from it as well.  Well todays phone call made it a reality.  Somewhere out there, and I am not sure at this point whether she is still alive, is my birth mum, and  I apparently have a sister that is known of, and its this news that probably excites me more.  While some information has been found, there is till alot of research to be done and probably a lot of tears as well.
    I know my birth mums name and that she was a dutch immigrant to Australia in the 1950's.  My file should be arriving before the end of the week and although according to the social worker it contains alot of information it also contains nothing in that it is mostly irrelevant to what I need to locate my birth mum.. I know I could very well be opening a can of worms but also feel if I don't I may regret it for the rest of my life. 

~A New Journey...The Beginning....~

This is not a post about pretties in pink but a journal of something I just had to write down...to make it real somehow.......
A new journey is about to begin in my life but its one that started  a long time ago when I was 12 years of age, when as a child I never felt close to my mum....I was always in trouble and could never do anything right in her eyes which led me to ask her the question....Am I adopted?  The reply was anger and the usual ...stop asking stupid questions!
 I always had this feeling that things in my life where not what they seemed and I was never treated by her the way other parents were with their child...I never got the hugs or affection or given any time so my childhood was spent mostly alone in my bedroom as friends were discouraged.   So I guess it was this sort of behaviour that my question stemmed from.  For in my eyes a child that was born to their parents was surely loved and in my world there never seemed to be any love so therefore I didnt belong.  Time passed and the questions of a child were pushed to the back and life as I knew it went on.   I never thought of that question again until I was 24 and pregnant with my first born.  This time I asked my mum how long she was in labour with me and then with my brother.  The response was again anger and 'how am I supposed to remember that...it was so long ago',    this coming from a woman who could tell you exactly what she wore to a dance 30 years earlier and who else was there and what they wore as well.  My mum was one never to forget anything while me on the other hand couldn't tell you what I had done two days prior.  Every other aunty I had spoke to could remember exactly what time their child was born and how long their labour was.  The question again raised its ugly head 'Am I adopted?'  By the time my second was born I again pushed that question to the back and moved on with life with my family.

In February of 2012 my dad was diagnosed with lymphonic cancer and while his prognosess was not good with the help of chemo they hoped to extend his life for about 5 years. It was during this time I was diagnosed with 4 lumps in my liver...3 of which they were sure were benign but the fourth showed segmentation and cause for concern.  So begun the blood test, and scans every three months to document any change that may occur.  My life was on a 3 month cycle of stress waiting for each result to come back as well as worrying about dad and mum also, as she was nearly blind (macula degeneration, glaucoma and cataracts in one eye and totally blind in the other caused by shingles). Mum had relied heavily on dad to do all the cooking, so caring for her was also a heavy concern.  On October 26th (my daughters 22nd Birthday) my dad passed away in hospital after a severe chest infection.  A week later I was fired from my job because of time I had off with helping dad, funeral arrangements and family commitments. My life was in turmoil.
 It was at my dads funeral when a stranger to me approached to offer condolences and to affirm how lucky I was to be adopted by my parents.  I was speechless, no words could be found and the gentleman moved on.  All I knew was I couldnt share this information...I couldnt digest this information,  I had to pretend....and it was hard..I was grieving for my dad, the threat of my own cancer scare with me always and now this.  It was like living someones elses life.
Later that night, all the emotions came crashing down on me...my entire life as I knew it was a lie.  A lie that I was to find out that my brother knew about (as he was adopted to) and that he had been told when he was 15 and that he had gone to the hospital with mum and dad to pick me up.  His kids even knew he had been adopted.  But no one had ever bothered to tell me.  All those questions I had as a child were real.  They were no longer my imagination but a reality.....a reality I wasnt sure I was ready for at 48 years of age.  How many others knew...cousins, aunties, uncles?  I felt betrayed, angry, frustrated that my life was compounded by lie after lie by my parents and how ever many others who had help them to keep the lie.  My parents had ample opportunity to tell me the truth throughout my life and yet they never did.
So begins the next part of my journey...who are my birth parents?  I will not ask my mum nor will I tell her I know.  She is 83 years of age and she has just buried her husband of 60 years.  She is a frail in statue but has a mean tongue and  I was raised as the respectful daughter regardless of what I may think at times.  I am very lucky to have a friend who is also adopted but was told at a young age about her adoption and she has been a great wealth of information as well as support.
I finally decided today was the day to apply for my file about my adoption.  The first step in hopefully finding out who I am...the other half of what I have always thought was something missing.  I dont know if I am going to find the answers to my questions but I do know if I don't try to find them it will be something I will regret for the rest of my life.  If for no other reason than to give my children and grand child an insight into their medical history...because the one they have at moment is a lie.  At present I have more questions than answers and the only thing I know is I was born in an era where single mothers were frowned upon by society and the church played a heavy hand in talking these mothers into giving up their babies or I could have been the product of a rape....I just dion't know.
I printed out the form today and filled it in to request my adoption file....my only hope is my birth mother has not put a veto on it and all the forms can be found.  I will pop it in the post tomorrow.
 So for now I play the waiting game and they mention it could take up to 4 months.