~Adoption Update~

Well I finally spoke to my mum in person today about the adoption and she is still more concerned with who told me rather than answer my questions.  It was hers and my dads belief that I never ever find out until after they were gone.  Why I dont know....as far as I am concerned they are my parents...they are the ones who raised fed me and clothed me.  Sure I am angry and annoyed that they didnt respect me enough to tell me the truth on reaching adulthood.  I have said my piece and will no longer bring it up with her, but neither will I let anyone tell me my that although I never grew up with my sister ...that she isn't my sister...this is one case where blood is thicker than water and I want to cherish every bit of contact with her.  It wont make up for the unknown years but feels good in my heart knowing she is out there.  It would seem I will never have contact with the other siblings although another has joined fb recently and we have exchanged messages, but I think that will be the limit of that.  .
 This journey was never about upsetting anyone...it was a quest of answers, of finding my beginnings and my heritage....of which I forgot to tell you...I am of Dutch blood.  Not sure what that means to me yet as I little to nothing of anything Dutch.  Well that covers my birth mums nationality but as I can find no answers, or should I say no straight answers about my paternal father.  One minute he is Australian and the next he is American.  That I assume will always remain a mystery my birth mum will take to her grave.
This is the last of this chapter until such time as I meet my sister in person.....and that may take a while as finances and health are two issues in the way of that happening any time soon.
Family is important whether blood or not but secrets left untold can fester and the truth always comes out in the end....no matter what.

~Never Give Up~

As promised....last time I wrote I had just got my adoption papers and had spoken to an Aunt.  Well this wonderful aunt relayed my message onto my birth mum who denied black and blue to ever having me and that I was mistaken and not her child.  The aunt then said that she had no reason to not to believe her sister and I must have got the information wrong and she was sorry.  Emotion overload.......Could I have got it wrong?   Was the information wrong?   Now it would seem I belonged to no one...I didnt exist.  I went over the document again and knew I had to be right...it was all there....so I rang the aunt again and told her that her sister was trying to hide or mislead and that I had proof, to which she asked me to send it to her.  Luckily for me this aunt was internet friendly so I scanned all the relevant documents and emailed them to her.  Two hours later she rang me back and after speaking with her sister (my birth mum) she agreed I was correct and that her sister had thought no one would ever know of, or about me.   My birth mum was very angry at my coming forward and that she would not be informing my siblings (of which I had 5!!) of my existance.
~The Siblings~
I have 5 half siblings and here comes a bit of a laugh....I have 2 sisters called Michelle, another Tammy and 2 brothers David & Peter.  A brief explanation on the Michelle's.  My older sister is the first Michelle (who was  also adopted), then when I was adopted my parents decided to call me Michelle (pure coincidence) and later because she (birth mum) loved the name Michelle and she no longer had custody of the first born she decided to call another of her babies Michelle as well....hence the 3 Michelles.
I am over the moon at having so many siblings but unfortunately as far as I knew, none wanted to have anything to do with me.  I was feeling quite angry at this point as I was the innocent...I didnt ask to be born so why was I being punished by my brothers and sisters for my BM getting pregnant and having me.  My quest for answers just wasnt going as well as expected.
~Research~
I decided to play detective (gotta love Google) and started doing extensive searches on archives looking for any information about my birth family.  I found quite alot of information and then paid for other legal documents with relevant information.  With all the information in hand I then thought to do a family tree hoping that it would help me get my head around the family dynamics.  It was while doing this tree that I came across another tree with the same paternal grandfather mentioned and here is when I decided to risk it by emailing the author of the other tree in a hope they could provide some answers.   Your not going to believe who answered my query????   It was my older sister Michelle.  I was scared and excited all at once.  What I didnt know was that while I was emailing my aunt...her son (my cousin) had been forwarding all my info to my sister Michelle so she already knew of my existance.  I wasnt ready to talk to her on the phone but we did exchange alot of emails and to say she has been wonderful is an understatement.  We have now spoken several times but have yet to meet as we live in different states and neither of us has the money to change that outcome anytime soon...but thats ok....I have found her and she has accepted me without question.  'I have a sister!!!!'
~The Not So Good News~
Here is the bit I didnt want to know....but once known it cannot be unknown...believe me I have tried.  The family carries the BRCA2 gene.  I had never heard of this gene and again I started researching and I did not like what I found.  BRCA stands for the Breast cancer and the 2 stands for ovarian cancer.  This sent me into a tailspin of depression.....here I was thinking I had escaped the lymphonic gene pool (what my poor dad died off) only to land in a worse  cancer pool.  I still havent had the test but I know I cannot put it off forever...if not for my sake but I need to for my daughter.  The chances of me having it are 50/50 so until I have the test I will leave it at that.
~Lying Takes it Toll~
All through this I have not let on to my mum that I know I am adopted.  I am angry she has not told me the truth...after all I will be 50 this year and I think it is something she should have told me when my brother was told.  Yes he was told but I wasn't.....not very fair in my book.  I have given her many many opportunities to tell me....things that are genetic and talking about my friends who are adopted and have know all their lives but she wont budge.  I am not nor have I ever been a liar ( oh sure I can do the little fibs that harm no one) but all this hiding what I know and covering up when I slip up had taken its toll and I decided I cant do it any more so I asked an uncle if he knew I was adopted?  I expected him to say yes but what I didnt know was that everyone and I mean everyone including all my cousins, and their kids and even my brothers kids knew...all except me!  In all these years no one ever said anything...not one word....and the reason why...they all thought I knew.  Well it was all I needed to reaffirm my decision to tell my mum, but through my uncle to soften the blow a little.
~The Truth Is Out There~
My uncle has now told her that I know and we have spoken on the phone about it but she is angry that someone told me.  She apparently wanted to take the secret to her grave as well.  I was never to find out according to her and she nags me for information on the person who told me.  I have reinforced it makes no difference to me that I am adopted and that it doesnt change that she is my mum and my dad was my dad.  But I have told her I am angry for not telling me and that I have missed out on a lifetime of getting to know at least one of my sisters.
Thats my life for the moment....and I guess all I want to add is...if you have adopted children.....tell them...they have a right to know, if for no other reason than medical.  Dont let them find out like I did at my dads funeral by a total stranger whom had assummed I knew.  And if you know your adopted ...there is nothing wrong with finding out who you are...don't let others make you feel guilty like you are betraying them...your not.  We all need to know who we are...where we belong....where we started....

~A Family by Another Name~

    Its here...Its here!!!  My file arrived this morning.  With shaky hands I read each and every detail and although there where many pages with lots of information there was not very much information about my birth mum. There is more information about her sister (my aunt?) and a phone number for said aunt.  After deliberating for what felt like hours I decided to take the plunge and ring her.  With my heart in my throat and nerves on edge I dial the number and it is answered by a kindly woman's voice.  My planned speech goes out the window, and after asking if she is indeed the sister to my birth mother and another  hurried mess of words I blurt out who I am.  It seems no one knew I even existed.  In fact she thought I was  another daughter of my birth mother that she already knew.  It would seem my birth mother now has 3 daughters all bearing the same first name.
  This aunt was so patient with my questions and so friendly and she told me so much information that in my state I forgot most of it but she has left the door open for me to contact  her and ask any questions I need.  She was going to contact my birth mother but I hold no expectations, nor do I want to intrude on maybe a time in my birth mothers  life she would rather forget.   The last thing I want to do is upset anyone or their lives with me popping up out of the wood work.  If I can have my many questions answered by this aunt, then I will be happy with that, after all it is more than I expected.    The one thing I do remember from this conversation with her is I have in fact 3 sisters and 2 brothers, all half siblings I think. 
   I am going to give myself time to digest what I have learned and give this aunt and my birth mother time to come to terms with that I have found them.  That in its self would have to be a huge shock for them both.....I know it is for me.
  My mum knows nothing of this and I wont be sharing it with her.  She doesnt even know that I know I am adopted and she is just too frail to deal with it.  I am angry that she and dad never told me and I have learned that it was his wish I never be told and it was his secret which he took to his grave with him.  But like all secrets they have a habit of coming out in the end.  I have hinted and given her many opportunities to tell me but she remains tight lipped so I will leave it that.  My brother has known we are adopted since he was 15 and I think that is where my anger lies in that he was told and I was not.  Maybe if I had been told back then, this would have been easier to deal with.  But finding out when I am 49 has been a huge shock.  My mum & dad will always be the ones who raised me...that will never change, but now I know the truth its like the penny dropping into place.
  I plan on spending the next few days working out my questions, then perhaps this time I will write the aunt so as to give her time to respond rather then me putting her on the spot like last time by phoning.
  If you are reading this and you have adopted children of your own....tell them the truth when they are young, don't leave it too long and don't put it off to another day, because when they find out...and they will...it would be so much better to hear from your own lips than those of a stranger.

~For Whom The Bell Rings~

   I received a phone call today regarding some news on my adoption....I must admit it took me by surprise and a flood of emotions came gushing out.  Even though when I started this journey I knew it was about me, about who I am, and about who I was born and yet it was also dream like in that I had also detached myself from it as well.  Well todays phone call made it a reality.  Somewhere out there, and I am not sure at this point whether she is still alive, is my birth mum, and  I apparently have a sister that is known of, and its this news that probably excites me more.  While some information has been found, there is till alot of research to be done and probably a lot of tears as well.
    I know my birth mums name and that she was a dutch immigrant to Australia in the 1950's.  My file should be arriving before the end of the week and although according to the social worker it contains alot of information it also contains nothing in that it is mostly irrelevant to what I need to locate my birth mum.. I know I could very well be opening a can of worms but also feel if I don't I may regret it for the rest of my life. 

~A Shabby Slice of Life~

    
          No news as yet about my adoption other than they are now researching my documents.  I have a new calm feeling about it all and I suppose time does that to you.  I am excited and nervous all at once but I think finally I am feeling good about me.  When the papers show up, then I will deal with what they say or don't say but for the moment I am getting on with life.
          I have decided to go back to selling to try and clear some of the many, many, many boxes of treasures I have hoarded over the years.  I lost interest in selling due to having to chase people and ask for payment.  I hate asking for payment.  As a buyer I never make anyone wait for payment unless I have made arrange before hand, so as a seller I expect no less from my buyers.    To get my feet wet I have listed a few items on gumtree (nothing too exciting) and have had a great success on a couple of items on ebay but the fees are horrid and I wont be using that too often although it is good for the more unusual items.
           So hopefully by March I will be back selling on my fb page ~ShAbBy PrIm DeLiGhTs~ ~ MiChElLe~
             My facebook page has been a wonderful source of joy.  I have the most gorgeous people follow my page and everyday their loyalty amazes me.  It is a humbling experience when people like what you do...even if it just posting a picture of something pretty.  As women we are nest makers regardless and we love to surround ourselves with beauty and for me its searching for that beauty everyday to share with others.

 I mustn't forget a quick thank you to the lovely Beverly from How Sweet The Sound for being the gracious host for so many years.
 Enough of my ramblings....have a perfect Pink Saturday <3

~A New Journey...The Beginning....~

This is not a post about pretties in pink but a journal of something I just had to write down...to make it real somehow.......
A new journey is about to begin in my life but its one that started  a long time ago when I was 12 years of age, when as a child I never felt close to my mum....I was always in trouble and could never do anything right in her eyes which led me to ask her the question....Am I adopted?  The reply was anger and the usual ...stop asking stupid questions!
 I always had this feeling that things in my life where not what they seemed and I was never treated by her the way other parents were with their child...I never got the hugs or affection or given any time so my childhood was spent mostly alone in my bedroom as friends were discouraged.   So I guess it was this sort of behaviour that my question stemmed from.  For in my eyes a child that was born to their parents was surely loved and in my world there never seemed to be any love so therefore I didnt belong.  Time passed and the questions of a child were pushed to the back and life as I knew it went on.   I never thought of that question again until I was 24 and pregnant with my first born.  This time I asked my mum how long she was in labour with me and then with my brother.  The response was again anger and 'how am I supposed to remember that...it was so long ago',    this coming from a woman who could tell you exactly what she wore to a dance 30 years earlier and who else was there and what they wore as well.  My mum was one never to forget anything while me on the other hand couldn't tell you what I had done two days prior.  Every other aunty I had spoke to could remember exactly what time their child was born and how long their labour was.  The question again raised its ugly head 'Am I adopted?'  By the time my second was born I again pushed that question to the back and moved on with life with my family.

In February of 2012 my dad was diagnosed with lymphonic cancer and while his prognosess was not good with the help of chemo they hoped to extend his life for about 5 years. It was during this time I was diagnosed with 4 lumps in my liver...3 of which they were sure were benign but the fourth showed segmentation and cause for concern.  So begun the blood test, and scans every three months to document any change that may occur.  My life was on a 3 month cycle of stress waiting for each result to come back as well as worrying about dad and mum also, as she was nearly blind (macula degeneration, glaucoma and cataracts in one eye and totally blind in the other caused by shingles). Mum had relied heavily on dad to do all the cooking, so caring for her was also a heavy concern.  On October 26th (my daughters 22nd Birthday) my dad passed away in hospital after a severe chest infection.  A week later I was fired from my job because of time I had off with helping dad, funeral arrangements and family commitments. My life was in turmoil.
 It was at my dads funeral when a stranger to me approached to offer condolences and to affirm how lucky I was to be adopted by my parents.  I was speechless, no words could be found and the gentleman moved on.  All I knew was I couldnt share this information...I couldnt digest this information,  I had to pretend....and it was hard..I was grieving for my dad, the threat of my own cancer scare with me always and now this.  It was like living someones elses life.
Later that night, all the emotions came crashing down on me...my entire life as I knew it was a lie.  A lie that I was to find out that my brother knew about (as he was adopted to) and that he had been told when he was 15 and that he had gone to the hospital with mum and dad to pick me up.  His kids even knew he had been adopted.  But no one had ever bothered to tell me.  All those questions I had as a child were real.  They were no longer my imagination but a reality.....a reality I wasnt sure I was ready for at 48 years of age.  How many others knew...cousins, aunties, uncles?  I felt betrayed, angry, frustrated that my life was compounded by lie after lie by my parents and how ever many others who had help them to keep the lie.  My parents had ample opportunity to tell me the truth throughout my life and yet they never did.
So begins the next part of my journey...who are my birth parents?  I will not ask my mum nor will I tell her I know.  She is 83 years of age and she has just buried her husband of 60 years.  She is a frail in statue but has a mean tongue and  I was raised as the respectful daughter regardless of what I may think at times.  I am very lucky to have a friend who is also adopted but was told at a young age about her adoption and she has been a great wealth of information as well as support.
I finally decided today was the day to apply for my file about my adoption.  The first step in hopefully finding out who I am...the other half of what I have always thought was something missing.  I dont know if I am going to find the answers to my questions but I do know if I don't try to find them it will be something I will regret for the rest of my life.  If for no other reason than to give my children and grand child an insight into their medical history...because the one they have at moment is a lie.  At present I have more questions than answers and the only thing I know is I was born in an era where single mothers were frowned upon by society and the church played a heavy hand in talking these mothers into giving up their babies or I could have been the product of a rape....I just dion't know.
I printed out the form today and filled it in to request my adoption file....my only hope is my birth mother has not put a veto on it and all the forms can be found.  I will pop it in the post tomorrow.
 So for now I play the waiting game and they mention it could take up to 4 months.