~Reflections of Life~

           I have had a very slack year where this blog is concerned but a very busy one with RL.   I have stopped posting to my fb page Shabby Prim Delights, as I no longer have the time to spend searching Pinterest for pictures and while I am no longer active on it I have left it up for others to use the images for inspiration.

          Well, firstly the reason for no time anymore....is...drum roll..... I now finally have a job.  After 4 years of looking and applying and the hundreds of rejections and the hundreds of more 'no replies' I am now working as an aged carer for a wonderful company who care as much for their staff as they do their clients.  I get up looking forward to my work day where my jobs are varied as are my wonderful clients.  I can be doing anything from Walking/washing a beloved pet, to a few hours shopping, a quiet chat, and coffee, some light housework or a drive to the park.  The stories of the past are varied and delightful.  Growing old is not easy, nor is it one any of us looks forward to...me included, but I hope that myself and others like me help make it a little easier, and a little happier.

        My relationship with my birth family continues to grow and move forward.  With each visit, I learn a little more of them, and them me.  It's very comfortable each visit, with no awkwardness and its like I have known them a lifetime and not the few short years.  I visited the beginning of  December and will be returning in January for my sister Michelle's (M3) 50th Birthday.  On a sadder note, one of my other sisters has been diagnosed with breast cancer and has begun her battle with the dreaded disease.  She is way braver than I could ever hope to be and has always a positive thought.  I have no doubt she will win this battle purely on determination and sarcasm.  My only wish is that I could be by her side every step of the way, but as that is not possible I instead keep her in my thoughts and my heart.

            This will hve to do for now other than to wish you all a Happy and Wonderful  New Year from my family to yours.

~Family by Another Name is Still Family~

~Melbourne.....the home of my birth family.....a family until 4 years ago I never knew existed.  This was only the third time I had spent time with all of them since the very first  visit 3 years ago.......only this trip was so different from the first because my birth mother and I were to meet.  I arrived on a Tuesday and Wednesday was to be the meeting day.  Stress over the meet weighed heavy on my heart and my nerves were shot.  I stayed with my oldest brother and his beautiful family only my brother thought it funny to countdown until the meeting.......this added to my already strung out nerves.  I was to arrive with my sister in law and my brothers followed.  We had to stop at some traffic lights and for a fleeting second I Contemplated jumping out the car to avoid the impending meeting.....fortunately I thought of the fright to my SIL and decided against.  A few minutes later we arrived at my sisters where I was to meet my birth mum.  I got out the car only to freeze....tears streaming down my face, I was unable to move.  By this point my brothers had arrived and somehow through either gentle coaxing or just pulling me along ( of which I cannot remember) I entered my sisters and through the darkness (as the blinds had been pulled against the heat of the day)....I vaguely made out the shape of my birth mum through my tears, and gravitated ( or was pushed) towards her.....tears streaming down my face.  After that everything is a blurr......the floodgates had been opened and every emotion, feelings of rejection and everything I had thought I knew to be true then discovered it wasn't came pouring out.  In what felt like an hour but was in reality only a few moments I pulled away trying desperately to get control of my emotions.....to reel them back in.  I escaped to the bathroom to splash my face with cool water and recollect my thoughts.    I knew I couldn't hide in here forever so I headed outside where I sat quietly sipping on the wine my sister had poured.  My thoughts were all over the place matching my emotions in their erratic patterns of logic and illogic.  I numbly remember my birth mother coming outside and chatting quite normally with the others and I remember thinking .....how can she be so calm.....my insides where churning, my nerves frazzled....it was all I could do to sit there and not run out the door.  Instead I got up and calmly walked and then sat on the pool edge distracting myself, watching the kids splash happily, whom were oblivious to the trauma I was going through.  How I got through the rest of the day was beyond me....but I had done it......I had survived the emotional turmoil that was meeting my birth mum and had come out the other side.

   Sleep evaded me....so many questions ran through my head...all of which would remain unanswered as there was little chance of there ever being a one on one with her.....that was made pretty clear to me.  

The day's rolled by and there would be two more visits by my birth mum...each one ending with her regulation offering of her cheek farewell.  Her demeaner was one of calm acceptance....like everything was normal.....but not for me.  My stomach flipped and churned.....how calmly she had forgotten all the cruel words she had messaged previously to this visit....I couldn't forget,  I couldn't forgive not without compromising my own self worth.  Instead I offered respect.....not that it had been earned but more from the manners I prided myself on.  

My visit of 8 days was coming to an end and as much as I loathed to leave my siblings it was time to go home and collect my thoughts.  

I have been blessed with 5 amazing siblings who have not only accepted me but shown me more love in 3 short visits than I have ever had in a lifetime......and for that I am eternally grateful.  I don't know what the future holds with my birth mum or if there even is a future...only time will tell.  I won't close my heart but I will guard it carefully.    

~Melbourne~

~I have just returned from 6 wonderful days spent in Melbourne getting to know my birth family. It is a scary and somewhat overwhelming experience travelling to another state to pretty much stay with strangers and hope that you click....but def worth the risk...if it didnt work then I would have returned home , put it down to experience, and had no regrets.
     The trip was one I will remember for a lifetime.......I am very, very lucky to have the most amazing bunch of people to call my brothers and sisters.  They showed me more love in those 6 days than I have ever had in a lifetime.    I stayed with one of my brothers and his beautiful family, and my sister in law is one in a million.  She instantly made me feel at home and part of the family.   I even got to meet extended family at a birthday party and was treated to some wonderful entertaining family stories.
     All my life I never felt like I belonged anywhere....I always felt out of sync with everyone around me....never making friends easily...always the loner...always alone.  But spending those 6 days changed everything.......I finally FIT somewhere....and that is the best feeling in the whole world.  No words can describe the happinest I feel inside... a sense of belonging.....a sense of family.
     Leaving them to fly home, was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life.  I never wanted it to end.
     Luckily with all the technology available to us these days ...keeping in touch will never be a problem....and while its not the same as a face to face ...it is def better than nothing~

~Birth Family Meet~

     February this year I travelled to Melbourne to meet all my birth siblings together for the very first time since finding out I was adopted 2 years ago.  Now before I go any further I need to explain...there are 3 of us called Michelle.  I know...weird huh?

Ok the first born (my older sister) was named Michelle after a dear friend of my birth mothers' who apparently had died. This sister was given into the care of the grandfather (birth mothers dad) to raise. I was born next but given up for adoption upon birth and therefore not named.....I was given my name by my adopted parents (pure coincidence).  Next came my brother Peter, my next sister called Michelle (Given the name again for the memory of the lost friend) and then the last two siblings Tammy and David.  Hence the 3 Michelle's...we call ourselves M1, M2 & M3 so we don't get confused.

Now our meeting......I had preveiously met my oldest sister Michelle and my baby brother David when I went to Melbourne last year so I had already formed a bond with them and felt comfortable around them so they were the ones who picked me up and took me to my sister Tammy's house where we were all meeting.  I was very nervous to say the least...but I needn't have worried.  They were so wonderful and so accepting.  It was the best day of my life!

To finally meet blood family is like nothing I can describe.  Its seeing people with similarities,  its finding you have similar tastes and likes and dislikes....the things I knew were missing from my life but could never put my finger on quite what they were.  No matter what anyone says...blood is blood.   My only regret is I never found out I was adopted earlier...I feel like I have missed out on so much with them.....and its not easy also living in a different state from them all.  I miss them all terribly and look forward to going back to spend more time with each of them.

Tammy, me, David, Michelle (M1) & Peter

David & Peter

Michelle (M1) me & David

Tammy, me & Michelle (M3)

Tammy, David & Peter

♥♥All of us ♥♥

~33 Days~

         ~Whats happening in 33 days.......life changing events.  In 33 days I will be hopping on a plane (scary) and flying to Melbourne with hubby and friends...where I will be meeting all my birth siblings (5)..........3 of them for the very first time and 2 of them for the second time.  I will be spending the day with them, hoping to get to know them a little and them me.  I have so many questions to ask but more than likely I will forget them all.  How does one put a lifetime of getting to know someone into one afternoon.   It is a start and one I am looking forward to in a scary kind of way~
           ~The second part of this trip is we a doing a mini cruise with 10 friends from Melbourne back to Adelaide to see if we can all cope,  so that in the future we can perhaps do bigger more exciting ones.  Me and water just dont go together...I cannot swim and I am terrified of anything water related thats deeper than waist height.  Then there is the whole sea sickness thing.......I dont do getting ill at all.....worse patient ever.  So while these two things are big negatives in my life (Water and sea sickness) I am def going to try to overcome them.  I cant do much about the water thingy but an appointment with the docs before we go is on the cards~
        ~If anyone has some tried true methods of avoiding sea sickness I would love to hear them~

~Family~

.......I am back from Melbourne and I have finally met my sister and my brother.  

We decided to meet in a pub for lunch and as always I was early.  The waitress led me to a table with 10 seats.  If I wasn't nervous before I was now.   I very nearly got up and left but at that precise moment my sister Michelle (no 1) arrived with her partner.....and it was good.  I think because we had talked lots on the phone I knew what to expect kind of .  Chatting was easy and we did a lot of note comparing trying to figure out where I fit into the family dynamics.   Janelle (Michelle's daughter) was the next to arrive so we enjoyed lunch while chatting.  Michelle (no 1) informed me my brother David was coming but would be late due to work commitments.  While excited to meet him I was also very nervous as I had not spoken to him at all......but I nothing to worry about....he is adorable.  He is my baby brother and I couldn't have asked for a more sweeter,  accepting  person than him.  He bought with him his 12 year old son, Jack who is also a delight.  

I spent nearly 4 hours with them and it was a wonderful day.  I left feeling loved and on cloud nine that these gorgeous people are my siblings.  I still have another 3 siblings (Michelle no 3, Tammy and Peter)I hope to meet, but if I don't its ok.  My journey was never about upsetting or hurting anyone so I am very grateful for the love and acceptance Michelle (no 1) and David have shown me....and I think I am more than lucky because I have 3 families who love me.....my adopted family, my family and my birth family.

This is my brother David,  me (in the middle) and my sister Michelle.

~4 days and Counting~

Only 4 more sleeps until I fly to Melbourne and meet my sister and brother for the first time ever.  The butterflies have started.  Up until this point the 'I'm Adopted" ...has not felt real real if you get what I mean.  On paper it has been real and in my head its real but now its going to be real in my heart.  I am going to meet those to whom I am blood related.....people whom I missed knowing through my childhood, through my teenage years, through everything up until now...all the things that one shares with a sister kinda moments.  Don't get me wrong I love the family that raised me and I will be a part of their lives and they will always be my family forever.  But I felt all my life something was missing...and now I know why.  How do I fit a life time of missing out into a few days.