~Reflections of Life~

           I have had a very slack year where this blog is concerned but a very busy one with RL.   I have stopped posting to my fb page Shabby Prim Delights, as I no longer have the time to spend searching Pinterest for pictures and while I am no longer active on it I have left it up for others to use the images for inspiration.

          Well, firstly the reason for no time anymore....is...drum roll..... I now finally have a job.  After 4 years of looking and applying and the hundreds of rejections and the hundreds of more 'no replies' I am now working as an aged carer for a wonderful company who care as much for their staff as they do their clients.  I get up looking forward to my work day where my jobs are varied as are my wonderful clients.  I can be doing anything from Walking/washing a beloved pet, to a few hours shopping, a quiet chat, and coffee, some light housework or a drive to the park.  The stories of the past are varied and delightful.  Growing old is not easy, nor is it one any of us looks forward to...me included, but I hope that myself and others like me help make it a little easier, and a little happier.

        My relationship with my birth family continues to grow and move forward.  With each visit, I learn a little more of them, and them me.  It's very comfortable each visit, with no awkwardness and its like I have known them a lifetime and not the few short years.  I visited the beginning of  December and will be returning in January for my sister Michelle's (M3) 50th Birthday.  On a sadder note, one of my other sisters has been diagnosed with breast cancer and has begun her battle with the dreaded disease.  She is way braver than I could ever hope to be and has always a positive thought.  I have no doubt she will win this battle purely on determination and sarcasm.  My only wish is that I could be by her side every step of the way, but as that is not possible I instead keep her in my thoughts and my heart.

            This will hve to do for now other than to wish you all a Happy and Wonderful  New Year from my family to yours.

~Family by Another Name is Still Family~

~Melbourne.....the home of my birth family.....a family until 4 years ago I never knew existed.  This was only the third time I had spent time with all of them since the very first  visit 3 years ago.......only this trip was so different from the first because my birth mother and I were to meet.  I arrived on a Tuesday and Wednesday was to be the meeting day.  Stress over the meet weighed heavy on my heart and my nerves were shot.  I stayed with my oldest brother and his beautiful family only my brother thought it funny to countdown until the meeting.......this added to my already strung out nerves.  I was to arrive with my sister in law and my brothers followed.  We had to stop at some traffic lights and for a fleeting second I Contemplated jumping out the car to avoid the impending meeting.....fortunately I thought of the fright to my SIL and decided against.  A few minutes later we arrived at my sisters where I was to meet my birth mum.  I got out the car only to freeze....tears streaming down my face, I was unable to move.  By this point my brothers had arrived and somehow through either gentle coaxing or just pulling me along ( of which I cannot remember) I entered my sisters and through the darkness (as the blinds had been pulled against the heat of the day)....I vaguely made out the shape of my birth mum through my tears, and gravitated ( or was pushed) towards her.....tears streaming down my face.  After that everything is a blurr......the floodgates had been opened and every emotion, feelings of rejection and everything I had thought I knew to be true then discovered it wasn't came pouring out.  In what felt like an hour but was in reality only a few moments I pulled away trying desperately to get control of my emotions.....to reel them back in.  I escaped to the bathroom to splash my face with cool water and recollect my thoughts.    I knew I couldn't hide in here forever so I headed outside where I sat quietly sipping on the wine my sister had poured.  My thoughts were all over the place matching my emotions in their erratic patterns of logic and illogic.  I numbly remember my birth mother coming outside and chatting quite normally with the others and I remember thinking .....how can she be so calm.....my insides where churning, my nerves frazzled....it was all I could do to sit there and not run out the door.  Instead I got up and calmly walked and then sat on the pool edge distracting myself, watching the kids splash happily, whom were oblivious to the trauma I was going through.  How I got through the rest of the day was beyond me....but I had done it......I had survived the emotional turmoil that was meeting my birth mum and had come out the other side.

   Sleep evaded me....so many questions ran through my head...all of which would remain unanswered as there was little chance of there ever being a one on one with her.....that was made pretty clear to me.  

The day's rolled by and there would be two more visits by my birth mum...each one ending with her regulation offering of her cheek farewell.  Her demeaner was one of calm acceptance....like everything was normal.....but not for me.  My stomach flipped and churned.....how calmly she had forgotten all the cruel words she had messaged previously to this visit....I couldn't forget,  I couldn't forgive not without compromising my own self worth.  Instead I offered respect.....not that it had been earned but more from the manners I prided myself on.  

My visit of 8 days was coming to an end and as much as I loathed to leave my siblings it was time to go home and collect my thoughts.  

I have been blessed with 5 amazing siblings who have not only accepted me but shown me more love in 3 short visits than I have ever had in a lifetime......and for that I am eternally grateful.  I don't know what the future holds with my birth mum or if there even is a future...only time will tell.  I won't close my heart but I will guard it carefully.    

~Melbourne~

~I have just returned from 6 wonderful days spent in Melbourne getting to know my birth family. It is a scary and somewhat overwhelming experience travelling to another state to pretty much stay with strangers and hope that you click....but def worth the risk...if it didnt work then I would have returned home , put it down to experience, and had no regrets.
     The trip was one I will remember for a lifetime.......I am very, very lucky to have the most amazing bunch of people to call my brothers and sisters.  They showed me more love in those 6 days than I have ever had in a lifetime.    I stayed with one of my brothers and his beautiful family, and my sister in law is one in a million.  She instantly made me feel at home and part of the family.   I even got to meet extended family at a birthday party and was treated to some wonderful entertaining family stories.
     All my life I never felt like I belonged anywhere....I always felt out of sync with everyone around me....never making friends easily...always the loner...always alone.  But spending those 6 days changed everything.......I finally FIT somewhere....and that is the best feeling in the whole world.  No words can describe the happinest I feel inside... a sense of belonging.....a sense of family.
     Leaving them to fly home, was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life.  I never wanted it to end.
     Luckily with all the technology available to us these days ...keeping in touch will never be a problem....and while its not the same as a face to face ...it is def better than nothing~

~Birth Family Meet~

     February this year I travelled to Melbourne to meet all my birth siblings together for the very first time since finding out I was adopted 2 years ago.  Now before I go any further I need to explain...there are 3 of us called Michelle.  I know...weird huh?

Ok the first born (my older sister) was named Michelle after a dear friend of my birth mothers' who apparently had died. This sister was given into the care of the grandfather (birth mothers dad) to raise. I was born next but given up for adoption upon birth and therefore not named.....I was given my name by my adopted parents (pure coincidence).  Next came my brother Peter, my next sister called Michelle (Given the name again for the memory of the lost friend) and then the last two siblings Tammy and David.  Hence the 3 Michelle's...we call ourselves M1, M2 & M3 so we don't get confused.

Now our meeting......I had preveiously met my oldest sister Michelle and my baby brother David when I went to Melbourne last year so I had already formed a bond with them and felt comfortable around them so they were the ones who picked me up and took me to my sister Tammy's house where we were all meeting.  I was very nervous to say the least...but I needn't have worried.  They were so wonderful and so accepting.  It was the best day of my life!

To finally meet blood family is like nothing I can describe.  Its seeing people with similarities,  its finding you have similar tastes and likes and dislikes....the things I knew were missing from my life but could never put my finger on quite what they were.  No matter what anyone says...blood is blood.   My only regret is I never found out I was adopted earlier...I feel like I have missed out on so much with them.....and its not easy also living in a different state from them all.  I miss them all terribly and look forward to going back to spend more time with each of them.

Tammy, me, David, Michelle (M1) & Peter

David & Peter

Michelle (M1) me & David

Tammy, me & Michelle (M3)

Tammy, David & Peter

♥♥All of us ♥♥

~4 days and Counting~

Only 4 more sleeps until I fly to Melbourne and meet my sister and brother for the first time ever.  The butterflies have started.  Up until this point the 'I'm Adopted" ...has not felt real real if you get what I mean.  On paper it has been real and in my head its real but now its going to be real in my heart.  I am going to meet those to whom I am blood related.....people whom I missed knowing through my childhood, through my teenage years, through everything up until now...all the things that one shares with a sister kinda moments.  Don't get me wrong I love the family that raised me and I will be a part of their lives and they will always be my family forever.  But I felt all my life something was missing...and now I know why.  How do I fit a life time of missing out into a few days.  

~A New Journey...The Beginning....~

This is not a post about pretties in pink but a journal of something I just had to write down...to make it real somehow.......
A new journey is about to begin in my life but its one that started  a long time ago when I was 12 years of age, when as a child I never felt close to my mum....I was always in trouble and could never do anything right in her eyes which led me to ask her the question....Am I adopted?  The reply was anger and the usual ...stop asking stupid questions!
 I always had this feeling that things in my life where not what they seemed and I was never treated by her the way other parents were with their child...I never got the hugs or affection or given any time so my childhood was spent mostly alone in my bedroom as friends were discouraged.   So I guess it was this sort of behaviour that my question stemmed from.  For in my eyes a child that was born to their parents was surely loved and in my world there never seemed to be any love so therefore I didnt belong.  Time passed and the questions of a child were pushed to the back and life as I knew it went on.   I never thought of that question again until I was 24 and pregnant with my first born.  This time I asked my mum how long she was in labour with me and then with my brother.  The response was again anger and 'how am I supposed to remember that...it was so long ago',    this coming from a woman who could tell you exactly what she wore to a dance 30 years earlier and who else was there and what they wore as well.  My mum was one never to forget anything while me on the other hand couldn't tell you what I had done two days prior.  Every other aunty I had spoke to could remember exactly what time their child was born and how long their labour was.  The question again raised its ugly head 'Am I adopted?'  By the time my second was born I again pushed that question to the back and moved on with life with my family.

In February of 2012 my dad was diagnosed with lymphonic cancer and while his prognosess was not good with the help of chemo they hoped to extend his life for about 5 years. It was during this time I was diagnosed with 4 lumps in my liver...3 of which they were sure were benign but the fourth showed segmentation and cause for concern.  So begun the blood test, and scans every three months to document any change that may occur.  My life was on a 3 month cycle of stress waiting for each result to come back as well as worrying about dad and mum also, as she was nearly blind (macula degeneration, glaucoma and cataracts in one eye and totally blind in the other caused by shingles). Mum had relied heavily on dad to do all the cooking, so caring for her was also a heavy concern.  On October 26th (my daughters 22nd Birthday) my dad passed away in hospital after a severe chest infection.  A week later I was fired from my job because of time I had off with helping dad, funeral arrangements and family commitments. My life was in turmoil.
 It was at my dads funeral when a stranger to me approached to offer condolences and to affirm how lucky I was to be adopted by my parents.  I was speechless, no words could be found and the gentleman moved on.  All I knew was I couldnt share this information...I couldnt digest this information,  I had to pretend....and it was hard..I was grieving for my dad, the threat of my own cancer scare with me always and now this.  It was like living someones elses life.
Later that night, all the emotions came crashing down on me...my entire life as I knew it was a lie.  A lie that I was to find out that my brother knew about (as he was adopted to) and that he had been told when he was 15 and that he had gone to the hospital with mum and dad to pick me up.  His kids even knew he had been adopted.  But no one had ever bothered to tell me.  All those questions I had as a child were real.  They were no longer my imagination but a reality.....a reality I wasnt sure I was ready for at 48 years of age.  How many others knew...cousins, aunties, uncles?  I felt betrayed, angry, frustrated that my life was compounded by lie after lie by my parents and how ever many others who had help them to keep the lie.  My parents had ample opportunity to tell me the truth throughout my life and yet they never did.
So begins the next part of my journey...who are my birth parents?  I will not ask my mum nor will I tell her I know.  She is 83 years of age and she has just buried her husband of 60 years.  She is a frail in statue but has a mean tongue and  I was raised as the respectful daughter regardless of what I may think at times.  I am very lucky to have a friend who is also adopted but was told at a young age about her adoption and she has been a great wealth of information as well as support.
I finally decided today was the day to apply for my file about my adoption.  The first step in hopefully finding out who I am...the other half of what I have always thought was something missing.  I dont know if I am going to find the answers to my questions but I do know if I don't try to find them it will be something I will regret for the rest of my life.  If for no other reason than to give my children and grand child an insight into their medical history...because the one they have at moment is a lie.  At present I have more questions than answers and the only thing I know is I was born in an era where single mothers were frowned upon by society and the church played a heavy hand in talking these mothers into giving up their babies or I could have been the product of a rape....I just dion't know.
I printed out the form today and filled it in to request my adoption file....my only hope is my birth mother has not put a veto on it and all the forms can be found.  I will pop it in the post tomorrow.
 So for now I play the waiting game and they mention it could take up to 4 months.